How to tell if your boyfriend is Gollum
by therealitykeeper
Summary: After Martin Freeman eats a lot of cheese Benedict Cumberbatch gets transported to a strange where he befriends Gollum, but will this friendship blossom or deflower?
1. parfum de fromage by Martin Freeman

This story is dedicated to my biggest fans Linnea, Elizabeth and Madeleine as they've never ironically discouraged me from writing 'alternative fanfiction', but I still encourage the rest of you to ironically discourage me because I think its just ironic. Btw Linnea is the swede, Elizabeth was the cheese and Maddie is the lawyer so they'll wreck you if you don't like the story.

* * *

Benedict Cumberbatch had always like dragons. Since he was a kid he'd called his balls 'the dragon eggs' and that should explain how much he liked dragons. So when he got a call suggesting that he could be a dragon in a movie? He had to change his clothes he'd secreted so much liquid. As you could imagine, after the production of the movie was done Benedict was very sad. Benedict now needed an actual reason to writhe on the ground in lycra pretending to be a dragon except for that its for money or recreational purposes. On the last day of being on-set, the crew had a party to celebrate the completion of another mediocre project, like the birthday of a child. Martin Freeman had noticed how his eggy amigo was a little down in the dumps and decided that he'd try to cheer him up.

'Gazoinks Ben lets get some distance from this party, yeah?'

So they waddled off to hang out on the set of Gollum's cave, taking with them a cheese platter which Martin subconsciously ate without aid. 5 kilograms of cheese. It made him feel like a free man.

'I'm sad Martin.'

'That's nice.'

'I want to be a dragon again, y'know?'

'But _aren't_ you a dragon?'

'Am I?'

'Yeah sure.'

Benedict traced his fingers over the 'rock' they sat on. Martin traced his fingers over the 'cheese' he was eating. Ben didn't realise that Martin was being sarcastic, he hadn't yet come to understanding that Martin was in fact what they called_ a shit_. Little did either of the men know that Ben was actually a dragon.

Nah, I'm kidding that'd be stupid.

Though after eating so much cheese, Martin vomited through his nose. The sight of seeing 5 kilograms of cheese get chugged out of Martin's nose like steam from a train made Ben faint. He fell into the water that was moated around the 'rock' they stood on. But it'd be appropriate to put quotation marks around 'water' as well since Ben was then transported into a distant land. Water doesn't normally do that, unless you consider health and dehydration an exotic location. Ben saw a sparkling light, like he was in an advert for mineral water. He then saw wrinkly hands like he was being greeted by Hellen Keller. Was it Hellen Keller? No, it was Gollum since Hellen was out at the moment.


	2. slime man

A/N

Today's installment of this one and only gollum/cumberbatch fanfiction is dedicated Makoto Tachibana, I think if I was fictional we'd find ourselves in the same prediciment. Dont misinterpret me though, I'm not trying to take away from the magic of the encounter these two love birds are experiencing, just adding another layer. Think of me as you read this, please. When you close your eyes, let my words be there. At night when you have nothing to do, let the thought of me make you happy. Lock your doors tonight my sweet.

* * *

Benedict woke up, feeling the puckered hands of a pensioner touch him. _Not again_ he thought. He hated when Martin woke him up since he didn't understand that Ben was delicate. He opened up his eyes and saw the reflective light of the 'water' dance across the 'rocky' 'ceiling'. But all those quotations have no use anymore as Ben was in the world of fiction and they were in fact the reflections of water on legit rocks. Wow?

He sat up, his head aching and throbbing like an excited dickadoodledoo. In regaining awareness from his droopy state he noticed that he had half his body in the water, but his top half was sopping wet so he HAD fully been in the water. What had pulled him out we all wonder? I know that I don't really care but I suppose you might be interested if you insist.

'Gollum gollum gollum?'

'Shutup Martin, you're a shit.' Parfum de cheese vomit must have epiphanal qualities, Ben finally relaized that Martin was what they called _a shit_. Not the right time or place though unfortunately.

'Gollum gollum _GOLLUM?'_

'Benedict Cumberbatch Benedichabumbervash shit. Thwarted me once again Harry Potter.'

'Gollum gollum.'

Gollum had cowered behind a rock when Ben had started to writhe. His heart was scared but his dingleberry thought otherwise. Ben turned his head and saw Gollum, his heart fluttered. Gollum had the eyes of a wrench, everytime he looked into them his nuts clenched.

'Gollum...' They breathed in unison.

Benedict suddenly gagged, coughing up gross cave water. Gollum attended to his choking cherub, slapping a fish into his back forcefully. It wasn't got two fish. IT WASN'T WORKING.

HE GOT THREE FISH **IT WASNT WOKRING**

**BENEDICT WAS GONA DIE OG GOLLUM DO SOMETHIAAAAAAH**

...

...

...

...

Benedict finally coughed up the water. There was a goldfish. Gollum ate it.

'Oh Gollum you just know what to say don't you?'

'Gollum gollum gollum.'

Benedict put a hand on Gollum's leathery, moist chest. It felt like the foot of an old librarian. Gollum felt his ribs lift as he inhaled dramatically, it has been along time since anyone had touched him. He'd count Helen Keller but she was too frisky for his liking.

'Gollum I must confess that I am not from this world. I come from another, but I know you Gollum.'

'Gollum...'

'Yeah I know.' Ben hunched over, his hand dropping from Gollum's chest. 'Should I go?'

Gollum desperately shook his head, Ben could see that panicked yearning in his eyes.

'Gollum. Gollum gollum, _gollum go-gollum gollum_, gollum... gollum gollum gollum!'

Gollum took Ben's hands in his own.

'Gollum gollum gollum, gollum! Gollum gollum _gollum, _go-gollum. Gollum gollum gollum gollum, gollum gollum, gollum, go-gollum gollum. Gollum. _Gollum.'_

Benedict started tearing up, he had no idea what he'd just said he was so confused he was crying. Gollum then cupped Benedict's jaw and forced a kiss onto the poor bastard. Benedict cried ben harder, he had now idea what was happening. He decided to go along with it though. Because of his _thing_ for dragons, he had a joint kink for caves.

Benedict wrapped his arms around the slimy hobo, moaning with passion as he leant back to lie on the ground again. Gollum entangled his gritty hands in Ben's hair, leaving little chunks of crusty skin in it as he massaged the noodle of Cumberbatch-senpai. Benedict tried to comb his fingers through the hair on Gollum's noggin, but then he realised that Gollum was bald. So he just clapped above the two of them, applauding their performances. Ben felt Gollum's tongue slop itself into his mouth like a sea-urchin in a stomach's whale. His saliva tasted like curdled milk. They rolled around on the rock. Gollum's joints creaked and cracked every time he moved anyway so imagine the symphony that was echoing through that cave. In a burst of ultimate passion combo worth 1000 gold coins they threw themselves into that mank water. The lack of oxygen made Benedict go unconscious. Nobody knows what happened next.

* * *

A/N

Btw while writing this I gagged, I can't believe myself but I love myself so much this is such an experience. I'm am a good person, this is contributing to the world wide web. This is an important story. As I type this, the picture of Makoto I have on my phone watches me from afar. This story is so important.


	3. Awakening Final Act

A/N

I have to admit that the end of this trilogy might appear a lil slow and boring cuz I have an idea for another alternative fan fiction and I'm pumped to get onto it, y'know? But, knowing me, I don't think that'll really effect the top notch quality that'd be in _this_ story! I share my love equally though out all my children. Don't fret it'll be alright! No left-handers here no siree! The conclusion to this trilogy of How to tell if your boyfriend is Gollum is dedicated to myself because self love is important guys.

* * *

Benedict woke up from the pash session gasping for air. But he was still in the water, so there was like _no_ air. Ben swirled his head around in a fashion somewhat reminiscent of a helicopter. His sloshed around faster and faster, velocity rapidly increasing. Was he gonna go turbo? Velocity reached fucking hyperdrive as he zoomed out of the water like a magnificent whale. He moaned a screeched bellow, throwing his head about like a seal, chin rolls multiplying exponentially. As he splashed back into the water, he spluttered, dark curls drooping down his face. He floated there for a while, thinking about what had just happened. Had he made out with Gollum? Yeah, he had. Daze and confused, Benedict noticed how never before had the lyrics to Katy Perry's _Last Friday Night_ meant so much to him. While bobby around the water, he hit his head on a sheet of plastic that was helping contain the water. Huh.

Benedict realised that he was floating around in none other but 'water' and not his beloved water. He felt disgusted and depressed, like Martin after throwing up all that cheese. Ben also noticed how it was morning now. He wondered if he'd just spent the whole night bobbing around in that water; maybe Gollum was just a hallucination? But... it felt so real! Ben could actually feel the grease between his fingers as he held Gollum. Ben thought about it for a second and then decided to dismiss it as another wild fantasy trip of his, which happened more often than what you'd expect. How else do you think he got millions of dollars writhing and snarling in a lycra suit? Not through sanity my friend, not through sanity.

He hopped out from Gollum's set and began his way over to leave the filming studio, hoping that he could find an open door somewhere. He found one and as he pushed it it creaked a whole lot which was weird since this was a new set and all. As he stepped outside he hissed at the sunlight, still in character as his dragon eggs boiled away. After his eyes adjusted to daylight, he came across a very strange sight.

'Jeepers creepers.' He shrieked in high-pitch, clutching at his heart and falling back onto the closed door behind him.

There were thousands upon thousands of camps set up around the set. Campers, campsites... just camp things. He through his head back to look at the studio and it looked all rusty and old, how long had he been in Gollum's Cave!? As campers started to notice Benedict standing before them in a bewildered fashion, the began to crowd around him, cheering.

'DRAGON EGGS! DRAGON EGGS!' They all cheered together.

Flags and banners were thrown up, bobbing in rhythm with the chant.

**'DRAGON EGGS! DRAGON EGGS!'**

There were posters with pictures of him and Andy Serkis, actor of Gollum, on them. These posters had love hearts on them and eggs on them.

_**'DRAGON EGGS! DRAGON EGGS!'**_

The eggs... on these posters... were...

_**'DRAGON EGGS! DRAGONS EGGS!'**_

Precisely, they were dragon eggs. What were

_**'DRAGON EGGS! DRAGONS EGGS!'**_

doing on a poster with Benedict Cumberbatch and Andy Serkis on them. Hmmmmm...

_**'DRAGON EGGS! DRAGONS EGGS!'**_

Benedict looked down and saw that he was intensely pregnant.

_**'DRAGON EGGS! DRAGONS EGGS!'**_

His stomach suddenly broke open like an avocado and thousands upon thousands of baby dragons, like a swarm of flies, flew out of his belly. Benedict screeched in horror, his neck swirling round and round. He didn't know what to do with his hands so he just clapped. All the campers started clapping in beat with their chants. Benedict screamed some more, beginning an involuntary jig, bobbing up an down to the jive.

'WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?'

'YOU'RE GIVING BIRTH TO THE NEW WORLD BENEDICT!'

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'


End file.
